best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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