She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
