I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize