i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
