I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize