I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
