Someone shit on the floor
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
