I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
