The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So squirting runs in the family.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
