I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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