Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
