Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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