You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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