i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
