please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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