The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
