Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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