Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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