She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
