I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
