Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize