Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it because I queefed?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
