i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
