And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
