btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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