There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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