she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
