So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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