i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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