I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
