I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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