just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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