Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
