he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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