All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
