whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
