This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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