i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
