did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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