Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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