Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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