things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize