i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
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