margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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