dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
