the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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