Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
