The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
