My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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