I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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