I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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