Who wears a wallet chain?!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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