just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I AM VODKA MAN
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize