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I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
