Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
