Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
